Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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