Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
