bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
