I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
