"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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