If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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