how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
