Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
