is your mom at the bar?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
You are a genius and a whore.
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