Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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