So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
