If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
