After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
This is the high leading the old right now
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
