Welp...herpes.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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