I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
