I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
