Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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