it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
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I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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