The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
