i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
