his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
