saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Ladies don't puke and tell
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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