Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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