Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
