I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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