and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
