woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
