did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
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