the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
