Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
