No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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