I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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