I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Randomize
