The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
