I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
