I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
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