U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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