literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
