my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
My vagina is officially offended.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
