i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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