I accidentally had phone sex last night
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
