dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
