Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
