I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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