just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
