he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
