and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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