I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
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Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
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And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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