i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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