i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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