Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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