okay pat passed out under dana's car
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
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