My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
