Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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