Apparently you make a good broom.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
