I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
