Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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